Investment Humor Lover Pillows

Got out of the market too soon, got back in too late.

"What's the current return on investment?"

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

The Contrarian funds

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He downgraded Apple."

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

In case of falling markets break glass.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

Federal Guidelines

The New Square Mile Regulator.

"Let us pray for the possessed...and the re-possessed"

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

'We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's a tax deduction.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.