Investment Humor Lover Gifts

Got out of the market too soon, got back in too late.

"What's the current return on investment?"

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

The Contrarian funds

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

Investments.

"He downgraded Apple."

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

In case of falling markets break glass.

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Federal Guidelines

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

"Let us pray for the possessed...and the re-possessed"

'We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's a tax deduction.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'