Investment Humor Pillows

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I only invest in alternative meat products, so I reject the terms 'Bull' and 'Bear'."