Investment Joke Fan Pillows

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

'Now that I have your attention...'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

Loan Alley

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Jumping Wall Street.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

The classic 'large scale corporate raider' eventually, they end up catching themselves!!

The New Square Mile Regulator.

I can't believe It!

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"We must do something about the bloated, fat cat image bankers have a acquired...I think I'll settle for a bigger chair!"

Large cap funds

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'It's 10pm, does anyone know how much the U.S. dollar is worth?'

'The difference between Micro and Macro economics is this: Macro is what you owe, and Micro is what you're paid.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'