Investment Jokester Pillows

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

Stay with your present market investments. Your stock will start to pick up any time now.

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"I suppose we could convert it to bitcoin."

GPS Shoes

'I'm worried - she insisted on closing every one of her accounts while she waited...'

"... So, let me get this straight. You want to offer your 'goose that lays golden eggs' as collateral on a £250 loan?"

"Actually, I was hoping for someone more bullish as my broker."

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'How are you at takeovers?'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"I have your evaluation...great teamwork, great morale...basically, you're a good dog."

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"We'll double our chances of recovery if we buy two lottery tickets."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."