Investment Jokester Gifts

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

Stay with your present market investments. Your stock will start to pick up any time now.

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"I suppose we could convert it to bitcoin."

GPS Shoes

'I'm worried - she insisted on closing every one of her accounts while she waited...'

"... So, let me get this straight. You want to offer your 'goose that lays golden eggs' as collateral on a £250 loan?"

"Actually, I was hoping for someone more bullish as my broker."

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

'How are you at takeovers?'

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"I have your evaluation...great teamwork, great morale...basically, you're a good dog."

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"We'll double our chances of recovery if we buy two lottery tickets."