Joking Investor Gifts

'I'm sure it is precious to you Mr Figgins, but I'm afraid I can't accept it as collateral.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"He downgraded Apple."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'