Hilarious Investor Gifts

'Eddie, my advice is to buy the stock now. If the company goes bankrupt, the stock will become a collector's item, and the price will soar!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"He downgraded Apple."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."