Hilarious Investor Gifts

'Eddie, my advice is to buy the stock now. If the company goes bankrupt, the stock will become a collector's item, and the price will soar!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"He downgraded Apple."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Markets and Marketabilityby Jane Austen

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'