Finance Jokester Gifts

Luck of the IRS.

Some cultures use fish as money. 'Got change for a halibut?' 'Sure! Minnows OK?

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Forget the early withdrawal penalty. What I'm taking out, I didn't put in!'

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

I don't have a mortgage, but I have a variable rate-rate income.

What do you mean you only have two weeks to live? That's what my accountant says!

'What have we got to lose? She says she'll turn every toxic asset in Britain into 12 year old malt Scotch.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

"My advice, don't marry for money. You can borrow it for 3.5%."

"The good news is your worries about your 401 (k) are over

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'How are you at takeovers?'

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

I can't believe It!

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

"I have your evaluation...great teamwork, great morale...basically, you're a good dog."

Ace Borrowing Company (formerly Ace Loan Company)

"We'll double our chances of recovery if we buy two lottery tickets."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

"The GOOD news is that customers complaints are down, the BAD news is that we've got no customers."

"I decided to invest in precious metals - I bought a new car."

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

'I'm worried - she insisted on closing every one of her accounts while she waited...'

'The contest brought in only twenty two wrappers...'

"...And when the world economy collapses, we all stand up and take over! Agreed?"

It's a nice apartment but I don't want to pay my share of the national debt for rent.

'I just asked to see the annual figures...'

"We try to inject a little humor in our statements, but you should take them seriously."

"If a higher interest rate is a sign of a stronger economy, you must think I'm golden."