Investment Joke Teller Pillows

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

The New Square Mile Regulator.

I can't believe It!

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'