Investment Comedian Pillows

'...on one hand I'm bullish and on the other hand I'm bearish.'

"He has no problem crashing into a wall at 150 KPH, but when it comes to investing in crypto currencies. . ."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

Yes, they are all dependants."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'

A Double-Dip Recession with Sprinkles

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'Slaug-ter house? I wonder what that is. C'mon, I'll race you!'