Finance Comedian Pillows

'Take my advice, stop thinking of it as your money.'

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

IRS, 'How about that -- 100 unearned income.'

"We hope it will prompt you to make a substantial loan to us."

'Slaug-ter house? I wonder what that is. C'mon, I'll race you!'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Will work for ETFs

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

Money Bar.

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

But under a different accounting convention ...

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Mr. Hickey really knows how to keep our stockholders meetings short and sweet!'