Financial Humorists Pillows

'Not scared yet? Just wait until I get to Chapter 11!'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"There's a plus side to the credit crunch...My 'lenders elbow' has cleared up!"

"At last! We've finally reduced our dependency on foreign oil."

'If we wait here long enough will we see the hedge funds fly south for the winter?'

'To make matter worse, our combined weight is higher than our credit score.'

'I've solved the problem of oil or gas heat...We can't afford either.'

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

'Sorry, I don't do bailouts.'

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Should we go to Target?"The one thing I've learned about investing is, timing is every. . . SMOOF!"

Footing The Bill

ACME LOAN COMPANY, 'Sorry, Kid - we don't do lunch money.'

"We invested everything we had in our marriage."

"According to these calculations, you have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the afternoon."

'Get a grip, son. First we do disguise mechanisms. Only when they fail do we do bail-outs!'

2Oh, that's a money tree. They're all over Eden."

"I'm afraid your floating bank rate funds sank."

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

'What's the difference between the IRS demanding money and a gang of thieves? The IRS has better stationery.'

'I self-published a book on how to be successful. It forced me into bankruptcy.'

"And would you like to continue paying no taxes at the 15, 10 or 20% rate?"

'We can go on meeting like this, I'm losing interest. '

'My inner child keeps using my inner parent's Gold Card without permission.'

'Stand on your own two feet, and get a bailout, like everyone else!'

Supermarket with different aisle of food separated by a shopper's income.

'I put everything I had into war bonds, and then PEACE broke out!'

Worst person to invest with...

"Retirement will be a pipe dream for many of us...we need to explore new careers for later life."

'Congrats, you genius! Thanks to you I've found ways to lose my money I've never thought of!'

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Rx. Warning: May cause sudden loss of income.

Employment Counselor. I lost my job as an accountant --- I could never remember which numbers to crunch and which numbers to massage.

Put It On My Tab

'Now that I have your attention...'