Financial Humor Lovers Pillows

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

"...If at first you don't succeed there's always claiming your losses for a big tax write-off."

'Sorry, unlike the Tooth Fairy, we don't give credit lines for lose teeth.'

Street beggar has a sign up table for his own credit card.

'I just got a profit warning from my blood circulation!'

Money and hair only seem important when you don't have any!

'And the name of your bank, please?'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

"I'm interested in the debt consolidation package your bank has been advertising...."

Life plan

"And would you like our latest leaflet on money laundering?"

'Now that I have your attention...'

British savings accounts

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Loan Alley

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

Money Bar.

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"You have to declare what you rob from the rich, but you can deduct what you give to the poor."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'