Financial Humor Enthusiasts Pillows

'I see you have no collateral.'

"We made savings of £10,000 by abandoning one of our children."

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

Acme Firework Company

'What do you mean, I'm not ahead? My account's been open for over five minutes.'

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'The fact that we have loads of money - and you're skint, is hardly the basis for us to offer you a loan, Mr Jones!'

"I've never needed health insurance - I just make sure that I always owe money to everybody."

"When it says "insufficient funds" does it mean me or them...?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're not eligible for the Paycheck Protection Program."

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

"So, you have no job, and no assets to speak of ... Have you tried any of the high street banks?"

"How much would you like to lend us, Mr. Hewitt?"

'Now that I have your attention...'

British savings accounts

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

Loan Alley

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

America's Funniest Interest Rate Hikes

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

Money Bar.

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

"You have to declare what you rob from the rich, but you can deduct what you give to the poor."

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."