Financial Humorist Pillows

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

New I.R.S. Guidelines

New York Stock Exchange: No Bulls or Bears were injured in today's trading.

"Beats me - I've never dealt with a sovereign debt crisis before."

'Borrow 50p? Sorry, I'm staying out of the sub-prime lending market.'

'So, it's taken you six months to finally finish the report on our financial crisis and your solution is: 'We need to make more money'.'

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

But under a different accounting convention ...

Sold before the boom.../Bought before the crash.

"Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing!"

'Thank goodness we invested in long term bonds.'

'The downside of investing in this stock is it might go down. The upside is it might go up.'

First Nationalized Bank

'Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

'Credit is a wonderful gimmick that lets you start at the bottom and dig yourself into a hole.'

'We could both avoid this daily annoyance, sir, if you'd buy me an annuity!'

"Pie charts cost too much. So I ordered tart charts."

'This is where the bribes kicked in.'

"Gimme your money. And a long-term, value-oriented investment strategy."

'The regulators came down hard on us. They unfriended us on facebook.'

"I don't want stock options. I want you to pay your tab."

'Don't worry, he's out rounding up new investors as we speak.'

'Sorry, I can't explain derivatives trading either.'

Today stocks fell on news that no one really has a clue why stocks rise and fall.

'We used to cook the books, but now we deep-fry them. Everything's better when it's deep-fried.'

'No offense, but you guys with your nine lives really blew the pension fund!'

'The cornerstone of our investment strategy, Mrs Preston, has always been buy now, panic later.'

"Sorry, but no. I can't lend you a student to help clean up your yard."

"As it happened, my work as an accountant transcended the genre."

A panhandler with a sign that reads "From 1040 Schedule 'A' Line 15 Gifts by cash or check.."

'Glass pearls? Quite frankly, I'd prefer government bonds!'

The Red-Light Accounting District

It's not begging if you've been to college. It's attempting to arrange interim financing while restructuring your debt load.

'Your credit score is a bit low but we can still offer you a loan. Do you have a problem being fitted for an electronic ankle cuff.'