Investment Joke Teller Prints

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

I can't believe It!

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

Luck of the IRS.

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'