Investment Joke Fan Prints

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

'Now that I have your attention...'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

Loan Alley

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Jumping Wall Street.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

I can't believe It!

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

"We must do something about the bloated, fat cat image bankers have a acquired...I think I'll settle for a bigger chair!"

The classic 'large scale corporate raider' eventually, they end up catching themselves!!

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

News and Magazines. Record Debt. Dollar Down. How can the dollar be weak when we've been giving it such a good workout?

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

Large cap funds

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'It's 10pm, does anyone know how much the U.S. dollar is worth?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'