Investment Jokesters Pillows

"Should we go to Target?"The one thing I've learned about investing is, timing is every. . . SMOOF!"

"I decided to invest in precious metals - I bought a new car."

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

Luck of the IRS.

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."