Investment Jokesters T-Shirts

"Should we go to Target?"The one thing I've learned about investing is, timing is every. . . SMOOF!"

"I decided to invest in precious metals - I bought a new car."

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"Let's vote. All those in favour of flying to Switzerland, withdrawing our secret bank account and splitting?"

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Dialed the number, ordered the tapes and placed hundreds of little ads. Didn't hit a snag until step four: Just sit back and rake it in.

Large cap funds

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."