Investing Humorists Pillows

'I asked Tom to stop and pick up some chicken stock - he came home with 5,000 shares of Tyson.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

"He downgraded Apple."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

'You may want to consider diversifying your portfolio.'

"I live for twenty four hours. How can I fund a 401 K?"