Humor-loving Investors Pillows

'Do you have a dog biscuit ETF, chew toy ETF, rawhide bone eTF. . .?'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"He downgraded Apple."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

The New Square Mile Regulator.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Large cap funds

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."

'I own Acme Drug stock, so fill this prescription with their product.'

'Your 401 (K) went down the drain, but if it's any consolation, you can keep the commemorative cup.'