Revenge Plot Schemer Gifts

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'Okay, on the count of three we fight back. One. . . Two. . .'

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

"Do you call this a business plan?"

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

"In the hat! In the hat!"

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

"It's a setup."

"I'm not a vindictive person, Charles. When your chickens do come home to roost I hope they're free range chickens."

Snail trap

Deer about to cut rope of gun being lifted to hunter in tree.

"You will dance on your enemy's grave."

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

'I agree that the publicity would be good for your blog, but how are you going to get a Kardashian to date you?'

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

'Life's too short to hold grudges.' 'No it's not! You just need to organize your time better.'

'I must admit I'm uneasy over the policy of offenders meeting their victims.'

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

Valentine Comix

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

'Pay no attention to him. He's just a disgruntled former employee.'

"Actually, living well on his money is the best revenge."

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.

Be polite to your acupuncturist at all times. A basic life lesson hard learned.