Satirical Schemer Gifts

"You see, the other guys can do the hunting and gathering, and we'll be the POLITICIANS!"

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'And as my chart clearly shows, I don't know anything.'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

'My door is always open. That's why I installed a tripwire.'

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

Strainspotting

Under new blame.

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

Coronavirus Windmills

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

"I say we downsize the company to the five of us and see if we can isolate the problem then."

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

'I thought the memo was quite clear. What part didn't you understand?'

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

'I'll place the bets. You just be sure to hit the hare with the tranquilizer.'

City Centre Development - "...We've spent all the money on the model."

'It's true. There was a coup.'

'Our company needs a tougher image. So from here on out we'll answer the phone with the greeting, 'what the hell do you want?!'

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

'Look at him with another business model on his arm.'

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

'Now here's my idea...we come up with a really high-priced drug to treat drug side effects...'

'The Board's meeting at nine O'clock - you bring the smoke, I'll bring the mirrors.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

BP Waiter: Dinner is served!

'Remember, son, when the going gets tough, bail out!'

"This is where the money will be spent. Oh, sorry. That's a picture of a black hole."