Comical Schemer Gifts

'Your teacher called and said the school concert tickets you sold me for $20 were free.'

"Our plan for world domination starts with the chew toys."

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

"We gotta find a way to increase our Halloween candy."

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

"It's a setup."

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

'I agree that the publicity would be good for your blog, but how are you going to get a Kardashian to date you?'

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

"One is a sham bag for my parents to confiscate."

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

"May I have your attention? For Christmas, all I want is for everyone to write a note on how smart, charming and social I am. I'm collecting college reference letters before I enter my terrible teens."

"I'm moving all the money from our rainy day account into a slush fund."

'So! THis is what you do all day.'

"This is an imaginative expenses claim. I wish we could use those skills of yours in the business."

In. Out. Destroyed without my knowledge.

"If I do that to my own Barbie, imagine what might happen to a tattle-tale."

"Are there any security cameras in the basement?"

"If we don't decide what we're worth, who will?"

"The lab boys figured out how to change lead into gold. Now your job is to corner the lead market."

'Ms,Hobbs, send in someone devious, I'm in the mood to match wits today,'

'The Big Guy seems to trust him. Would you help us kill him?'

'Remember: it's not the winning, it's the taking your cut.'

A road side billboard advertises: 'bus drivers eat-free' a man is seen rigging a false panel that looks like a bus to his caravan.

'Now THAT's what I call an innovative business plan!'

Rover's Cake

Better than Chekhov