Retirement Home Regular Gifts

"They've swapped the pub for staying in and taking their meds."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

Retirement homes' 'pill fight'.

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Old snowboarder with a zimmerboard.

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

'I am not doing nothing ... I am perfecting inertia.'

I wish I'd had the review.

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"And would you like flies with that?"

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

Handle With Care

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

Prawn Cocktail Please

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Why Do Old Hippies Smile?

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'