Retirement Home Comedian Gifts

'When you get older everything hurts... and what doesn't hurt doesn't work!'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

"Scientists have extended the life of the fruit fly."

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

Happy Brithday

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"That's not what I meant when I suggested rocking on the porch, Mr. Clampwell."

'Ain't it great, Wally, to be over the hill and not under it!'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

When scientists come out of retirement.

'He's disappointed with the Queen's card - he wanted a rude one!'

"Last night we watched three movies back to back. I was the one facing the telly."

Things to do while you're stuck at home during the coronavirus crisis."

Stay at Home Yellowstone.

Snowman in the Freezer.

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

'I DO NOT pamper the dog - Now get out of his chair!'

"My bottom went to sleep."

"No plans set in stone yet, but I'll probably spend some time getting on my wife's last nerve, maybe hyperfocus on the lawn."

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

"We've been here forty years - When do we get our golden parachutes?"

'One hundred is the new ninety!'

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'

'Hot dang! Ethel, check out Raymond's new twenty-twos!'

"Harry seldom leaves his retirement cubicle."

'Yes, I'm sure they'll let you watch your soap operas, grandma.'

"When people talk about a 'staycation' this isn't what they mean!"

You Must Be This Tall - To Have An Opinion

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'