Resume Polisher Gifts

'You're exactly the kind of person we'd like to hire - to be replaced by a computer.'

'I'm afraid we don't have anything for you right now, but if we get really depserate for people we'll be in touch.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"One of my strengths as an employee is my ability to multitask."

"Just when did you leave your last job?"

"...I'm available for interview, at your convenience!"

'Yes, I have an MBA, A Mistress of Business Administration.'

'I'm sorry, Mr. Pringle, you failed the acid test. We won't be hiring you.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"I told you not to polish the car too much."

"Well, there's your problem right there -- you need to sauté the onions in white wine before adding the ginger."

Tortoise polishing his shell

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

'Hows it coming?'

"You're right, Pierre, they are licking their plates."

'My resume,...in rap form!'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"I felt like 'data analyst' sounded better than 'good guesser'."

Bald man polishing head

'If you want to see my resume, it's on my cave wall.'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'You say that you dreamt you got a job here?... And in your dream did you have a better CV than this?'

Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool? That's on of those things you always see an alpha male do: stand around a pool hall polishing his stick and racking up the balls.

'No, it's not a spit polish. I just really hate your shoes.'

"Any other educational experience other than watching every episode of Sesame Street?"

'Great draft. It just needs a little exfoliation.'

'D-plus? -- I demand a recount!'

Online Dating

'Sure I submitted somebody else's resum? - I'm the victim of a stolen identity.'

"Interesting CV, we haven't had anyone with a qualification in 'being really good at stuff' before."

Boot Camp. Barracks 18. This fluid is specially formulated to remove old polish from combat boots. Ah, a military solution!

'A f-funny thing happened on the way past a classic car dealer...'