Resume Refurbisher Gifts

'I have noticed your school record and I couldn't help noticing that you chewed gum and were tardy and often disruptive in first grade.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

'My resume,...in rap form!'

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'Yes, I have an MBA, A Mistress of Business Administration.'

'I see that you have a B.A. degree in collating and stapling. Your parents must be very proud.'

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

Employment Dept. Fill Out Job Applications Here. This application form has too much space for "work experience" and not enough for "leisure activities."

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

'If you want to see my resume, it's on my cave wall.'

"One of my strengths as an employee is my ability to multitask."

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents. (Published originally on Janurary 8, 2009.)

'I'm hiring a football equipment manager to add some padding to my résumé.'

"We've gleaned all we need to know about you from the internet, but we'll keep your resume as a great example of creative writing."