Resume Renovator Gifts

'Your previous employer hinted that you have a problem with chronic career self-sabotage. What's that all about?' 'Why don't you hire me, dummy, and find out for yourself?'

'Unemployed doesn't look good on your resume. How about we say during that period you were a freelance writer?'

"For those missing years, I refer you to my book 'Lost in Tanzania.'"

Tonight's Lecture: Employment Trends. Let's face it, Ernie --- the only lifetime employment we can expect is working on our resumes.

'I looked over your resume, and the good news is I like the paper it's typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

Working on my resume.

'But you got a second interview, that's something.'

'... and I especially like this attribute... 'an immigrant's work ethic'.'

"Your resume was good, up until the point where you said, 'Don't make me beg.'"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Painting by the numbers for adults

Painting the Ceiling

'I found the termites!'

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

'And when you're done here honey, I have a nice periwinkle picked out for the foyer!'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

Resume Dumpers

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

"I've never seen a resume that's entirely made up of emojis. Let me take a few moments to decode it."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Dad, this is something I knocked up in the shed.'

Cut out and keep your own D.I.Y expert.

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."