Manuscript Polisher Gifts

'Great draft. It just needs a little exfoliation.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Oh great, the printer is down."

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

Tortoise polishing his shell

"Well, there's your problem right there -- you need to sauté the onions in white wine before adding the ginger."

A monk illustrates a manuscript with emojis

"You're right, Pierre, they are licking their plates."

"See, that's the problem with you new breed. You take rejection too personally."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

'Yes, I have an MBA, A Mistress of Business Administration.'

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

'Hows it coming?'

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"It needs a lot of editing."