Manuscript Makeover Artist Gifts

"This is just the first draft."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Do me next."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'This is what happens when we give up our resistance to change.'

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

Proceedings of the club

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

'Your manuscript was delicious.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"Garbage in, great books out."

"It needs a lot of editing."