Manuscript Magician Gifts

Writer with punctuation spray.

"Great news! Your novel is in a medium-size pile in the middle of the floor about four feet from the left side of Oprah's assistant's desk."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

"And so on and so forth..."

"The quality of the writing is an embarrassment, it has no style, no fluency, no soul!"

"Dear Author: Your novel is incomparably brilliant! Unfortunately, we aren't looking for incomparably brilliant novels at this time."

I'm afraid we only accept manuscripts through an agent, except spy novels, which we only accept through a double agent.

Tomb of the unpublished author.

Aspiring author at the publishing house

"I read your manuscript with interest."

"Garbage in, great books out."

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

'What do you mean, you've used up your advance?'

"You're lucky. My novel went straight to landfill."

"Do me next."

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

Watch the author miss his deadline 4 to 7

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'We are in a race against time and the auditors. Gentlemen...start your shredders!'