Manuscript Master Gifts

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Are you printing your own book? No, it's my mailing to agents!

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."

'Your book will definitely be a best seller; it just needs a complete new set of words.'

'It didn't happen the way he was hoping, but if Frank gets any more rejection letters, we'll have a new house thanks to his writing.'

'Nice...but I don't think people want to be reminded.'

No read publishing.

"I found your memoir totally believable until the part at the end where I agree to publish it."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"It needs a lot of editing."

You writers must have an easy life, I've often thought I'd have a bash myself if I had a bit of spare time.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

'This is a real tear jerker but there is just not much of a market for hard luck stories.'

"I love it. Unspeakable, but accessible."

I'm filing for the Great American Divorce.'

Literary Advice

Editor

Publisher

"My daddy doesn't have a real job...he's a writer!"

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"Do me next."

'It's only fair to warn you that if you get the job there would be a lot of filing involved.'

"Oh great, the printer is down."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'We don't know what it is but it was in the sale so we thought we'd better get one before they sold out.'

Editor.

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"