Reproductive Satirist Gifts

"Only 150 kids? - Have you considered fertility treatment?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Burmese pythons discussing a complete invasion.

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

The Female Brain and The Other One

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

The finer points of marriage.

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"I never thought I'd get married again."

Glimpses One Dollar

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

Fertility Clinic

Boldly going where no man has gone before.

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'

"Hide? What do you mean hide? We are literally camouflage and they still eat us!"

"You are here."

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

"It's a bird feeder to attract birds of prey."

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'The secret to great abs? Marker pen.'

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

"Okay, but irony aside, what happens once we get into their den?"

"I can't sentence your husband to hard time in this court, and having met you, it would be unnecessarily redundant."

The Swat Team of 15-L

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"I exiled the lot of them. How are your kids?"

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'