Reproduction Realist Gifts

"And what qualifications do you bring to the table beyond being first in line?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"...until death do you a favor."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Very Presidential."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

"Greta, look! The first dysfunctional family of winter!"

"You're the woman of one of my dreams."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."