Routine Realists Gifts

"You'll do laundry, you'll drink water...oh, and what's this? In the near future you'll clip your fingernails."

Weekday Morning Hell Bingo

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

World Production.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

A day at the FULL CIRCLE RANCH

"No matter the weather or what's on my plate, I'm here at five. That's discipline."

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'My husband does everything religiously except going to church.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Management doesn't think we have a staffing problem...Apparently all we need to do is to use our imagination.'

"You've become very predictable, Jack - home every night!"

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

Clock in, Clock out.

"I love you, Ethan, bit I floss alone."

Blood is thicker than water. Oil is thicker yet.

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"I don't want a New Year, I want a comfortable, familiar, used year."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

Denny was getting concerned about the company's recent downsizing.

My new trash pickup day is midweek, on Wednesday. Hump-day dump-day!

"Sundays we like to walk around being insufferable about our routine."

Are we a bunch of losers? Who are you talking about? Me, Randy, Sadie, even you Uncle Mort – all of us cafe regulars. We've been hanging out at this place for years. I've been working here two decades. Do we have nowhere else to go? More powerful even than inertia: Any momentum killed by an uncompromising nap regimen. Zzzz.

"I've had a look at our revised pension forecast..."

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'Even the TV dinners are a repeat.'