Motherhood Realist Gifts

"I was a much better parent before I had children."

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

Man dreams of romance whilst a woman dreams of romance and babies.

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

'She finds it really easy to juggle her kids with her career now she's joined the circus.'

Doris K. Elston: Brain Surgeon, Professional Model, Artist, Lawyer....Plus Mother of Four.

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

Fertility goddess. Nanny goddess.

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"He's such a fussy eater."

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"...until death do you a favor."

Mother Nature

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Sorry Tina, I won't be able to come over: Joey is finally asleep and I don't dare move..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

Downloading Pregnancy

I love my family!

"I actually had this haircut before I became a mom."

Men explained.