Parenting Realist Gifts

'I faced my first reality check today. My mom kissed my boo boo but it didn't get better.'

"No, last year he went to summer camp. This year he went to prison."

"Not now, Matthew. This is Daddy's quiet-desperation time."

"Oh, she just wants attention or needs help."

"We're not too concerned about college ... Dale and I are pretty sure he's going to prison."

"I'd like you to stay,son, but you've reached 'Fully Depreciated' status."

"I think we can stop worrying about his bed wetting!"

Just Fed the Kids.

"Now, son, hitting a car is all about timing. You'll want to release about here..."

...We took the only appropriate action and disposed of the children!

'You're so lucky your kid's got a male role model.'

Buck private, corporal punishment, general delivery, major disappointment.

"Your son is rude about his teachers..."

'I've never seen mum change these when they get empty.'

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"You're welcome."

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'We're looking for a minister who recognizes that relationships have a built in obsolesces.'

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

How's your marriage working out? I'm considering the foreign legion...but I doubt whether they'll take her.