Modern Parenting Philosopher Gifts

"Raise what bar?"

"I don't tweet for the follows I have, son. I tweet for the followers I want."

'...may your union be blessed with children...and for those of us who believe in ATTACHMENT PARENTING, could they please do so now!'

"As a fellow parent, which do you think provides more father/son time? Texting or email?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"You're welcome."

Coronavirus Impact on Children

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

"Yeah but when will she be home?"

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

How Moms explain.

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

"I'm not his mom anymore—now I'm his life coach."

"Not now, Matthew. This is Daddy's quiet-desperation time."

'Jimmy made his first blog post today.'

"So, what are you doing for the rest of your life?..."