Parental Philosophers Gifts

'Where did we go wrong?'

I'm worried about our daughter. She looks ok to me! She's suddenly super political. Twig? I keep overhearing her talk about organizing a green party. True that, Momster. It's her Eco Club dance. Maybe you underheard. Sports.

"When does everything stop being our fault?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"You're welcome."

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Coronavirus Impact on Children

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"I consider every member of our family to be like family."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'We'll never understand these kids. It's the old evolution gap.'

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"Yeah but when will she be home?"

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'You know, it's amazing what having a child costs you when you add it all up.'

How Moms explain.

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son

'How many are just staying together for the kids? Ok, that's good, very good.'

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'