Modern Parenting Ponderer Gifts

"Father would be much happier if you wouldn't."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

Three Parent Baby

'My kids don't understand me.'

'Jimmy made his first blog post today.'

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

"I was hoping her first sentence would be, 'I love you, mommy.' Not, 'what's the Wi-Fi password?'"

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

"I had a lot more freedom before mom got the drone."

Modern Baby Mobiles

'He was raised by sparrows!'

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

Baby Philosophy.

Ingredients: me

"And we're just so proud you're walking to school alone. Aren't we, Harold?"

'It used to be enough to keep them fed and clothed. Now it's fed, clothed and connected.'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Just tell Daddy who hit you, and I will march upstairs and ask Mommy how to handle this!"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

'She can't answer when I call, but she loves the ring tone.'