Modern Parenting Enthusiast Gifts

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

"Anymore of that and I'll wash your mouth out with hand made inner harmony cool blue soap"

"?With this new baby-belt, I can baby sit while my wife works?"

Parenting: then and now

"Do you have any educational DVDs that are between one and a half and two years long?"

"Just tell Daddy who hit you, and I will march upstairs and ask Mommy how to handle this!"

"I'm looking for a rattle that both informs and entertains."

"Everything I learned in school today is available online."

"And we're just so proud you're walking to school alone. Aren't we, Harold?"

"Oh look darling. He's making his first phone call."

"I just had 'the talk' with Kyle. I learned quite a bit."

"I had a lot more freedom before mom got the drone."

"I got a gold star for going the longest without looking at my phone in class."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"Actually, it is a bad time — I’m rushing to get the kids out of the oven."

'He's not talking yet, but his texting skills are excellent...'

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

"He just said his first word!"

Amazon Drones Delivering Babies

A child sitting on a swing - while playing with a hand-held electronic device or phone

I love my family!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

Growth Charts

"Oh, Frank, look! He's sending his first tweet!"

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Kid is 'Born to Text'.

"Never mind Benjamin – he just lawyers-up to get attention."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

'Those are my triplets. Com, Net and Org Barnes.'

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"I brought frankincense." "I brought gold." "I brought diapers!" "A wise woman!"