Modern Family Ponderer Gifts

Paternal presence

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Now that was post-modern sex."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

Truth

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Three Parent Baby

"I'm basically happy but I'd like a most cost-effective personality."

'My kids don't understand me.'

"Don't take it personally, Dad, but if I need advice, I'll ask my phone...it's a lot smarter than you are!"

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"It's amazing how much he's like one of his dads."

'He was raised by sparrows!'

Bowther, Wilkin, Lynch & Fisk

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'You're never going to follow me in my trade, Son - you may as well go to university.'

Baby Philosophy.

"Yes, we're very fortunate to be blessed with one of each."

Ingredients: me

'They're our neighbours. We invited them on the off chance they may turn out to be post-modern.'

"Remember when we used to flock together, instead of just tweeting all day on line?"

'You rejected my great grandfather and my father. I demand you recuse yourself!'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"It's not nepotism if I'm the best son for the job."

Officer Worker Evolution

If a cell phone vibrates in the woods, does anyone give a damn?

"Did I just butt-dial my booty call?"