Parental Ponderer Gifts

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'Yes, it's great to be pregnant, but a 22-months pregnancy is too long: I want to see my baby!'

"Your son has an attention deficit disorder. He's not getting enough of it from you."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'Mom says she has a souffl

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

'It's not that I don't want more kids Victoria, I'm worried I won't have enough skin for their names.'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"You'll find they stay pretty needy 'til about 300 months."

'Well, great! I raise you to be a vicious bird of prey, and you wanna be a songbird!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'Ted, you won't climb the corporate ladder if you keep taking paternity leave!'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'My kids don't understand me.'

Children.

"I was hoping you'd have outgrown that by now."

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.