Parental Pondering Gifts

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

'He was raised by sparrows!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Baby Philosophy.

"Is it wrong that I miss the dog more than the kids?"

Ingredients: me

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

"Prodigy you ain't."

'My children don't understand me and I don't understand me and I don't understand my children phobia.'

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'