Parental Pondering T-Shirts

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

"Is it wrong that I miss the dog more than the kids?"

Baby Philosophy.

Ingredients: me

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

'I'll never understand parents. First they tell you to be independent, then they run right down to the IRS and declare you a dependent.'

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'

'My children don't understand me and I don't understand me and I don't understand my children phobia.'

"My mom said I can't come here anymore." "What? Why not, Billy?" "She said she sends me here to get hot chocolate, not to get bad relationship advice." "What 'bad' advice? All my advice is solid gold." "You told me to call the IRS with an anonymous tip about Andrea Wheaton's father avoiding taxes, so next time he tells her I'm a bad influence he'll look like a hypocrite." "That didn't work?"