Parental Ponderers Gifts

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

Easter Bunny Nursery

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Mother nature sure is confusing...she gives me a clothes line but no clothes!"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

'He was raised by sparrows!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"My parents taught me stuff until I was six, and then they outsourced me to Central Elementary."

Insomnia.

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

'Ah ah! That's what I thought! The DNA tests prove that he is in fact a Cuckoo chick...'

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Ask me about Naming Rights.

How do bright women get pregnant?

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

"It's a cease and desist letter forbidding us from saying 'That's lit!'"

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."