Parental Ponderers Pillows

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Mother nature sure is confusing...she gives me a clothes line but no clothes!"

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'My kids don't understand me.'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

Insomnia.

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"My parents taught me stuff until I was six, and then they outsourced me to Central Elementary."

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

'Ah ah! That's what I thought! The DNA tests prove that he is in fact a Cuckoo chick...'

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Ask me about Naming Rights.

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

"It's a cease and desist letter forbidding us from saying 'That's lit!'"

How do bright women get pregnant?

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Having grown up and gone to school in uneventful times your mother and I both know what you're going through".