Parental Advice Ponderer Pillows

'I should have listened to my parents and not run away to join the circus...'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

Son, it's time you grew some legs and moved out.

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

Baby Philosophy.

Ingredients: me

Bachelors talking about fashionable life versus marriage

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

'Mother knows best, Dear, so stop rolling your eyes.'

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

A Victorian park.

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

"Sorry, son. . . You're not getting the keys to the car until you show me you're mature enough to bring it back completely totaled."

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."